I say “recovering” because it has definitely been an ongoing journey. And I can say definitively my recovery is going very well.

So, what is it that I am “recovering” from? The need to be in control of everything, even obviously insignificant things. Makes me sound crazy and believe me, it was/is crazy-making! Not only did I annoy those around me, I was annoyed at myself. At times I came across as bossy, irritable, ungrateful and unnecessarily opinionated (or all of the above concurrently). What I experienced consistently was internal unrest and agitation, emotionally, mentally and even physically.

Over the years of studying about attachment challenges, neuroscience and the Enneagram, I have learned about what drives this need to be in control. The answer is simple: Fear…Fear of the unknown; of not being good enough; of not being able to “fix” it; of feeling difficult emotions; of loss of any kind. And for me, the most powerful contributor to my fear was non acceptance of what is.

Working with my close friend and co-founder of Warrior’s Soul Inc., Dawn Batti (and of course the wise equines), I began to learn about SELF acceptance. This was such a foreign concept to me. As I began to actually internalize and live this concept, my drive to be in control began to wane.

What does self-acceptance have to with not needing to be control? Here, the answer is not so simple. But this is what I have come up with that works for me: When I can accept me, ALL of me, I can move that acceptance into what is going on around me. That translates into not needing to change, for example, what others are doing and how they are doing it or trying to change how they are thinking and realizing there are other ways to get things done other than my way. ALLOWING is the key.

Trust of course plays a huge role in relinquishing fear and the need for the temporary fix of “control”. I am thankful to be in my mid 60’s because age invites one to be mindful and contemplative. And what I have chosen to invite into my life is the concept of TRUST. Trust of myself, of others and of Spirit.

I will be writing more about this notion of trust. It’s a complex issue on many levels for all of us humans. And it is a theme that keeps showing up in my life.