This list was given to me by a friend after my mom passed on May 8th. For anyone who has grieved, or is currently grieving the loss of a beloved family member, friend or pet, I am sure you have, or are, experiencing at least a few of these. This list has been very helpful to me in reminding me of what I can expect for myself, “labeling” those things I have felt and thought and thus supporting my journey of self-acceptance, and patience, as this process unfolds.
Appropriate Expectations You Can Have For Yourself In Grief
By Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.
- Your grief will take longer than most people think.
- Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.
- You grief will involve many changes and be continually developing.
- You grief will show itself in all spheres of your life: psychological, social, and physical.
- The depth of your grief will depend upon how you perceive the loss.
- You will grieve for many things both symbolic and tangible, not just the death alone.
- You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost in the future.
- Your grief will entail mourning not only for the actual person you lost, but also for all the hopes, dreams and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person, and for the needs that will go unmet because of the death.
- Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not solely those that are generally thought of as grief, such as depression and sadness.
- The loss will resurrect old issues, feelings and unresolved conflicts from the past.
- You will have some identity confusions as a result of this major loss and the fact that you are experiencing reactions that may be quite different.
- You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyances or intolerance.
- You may feel some anger and guilt or at least some manifestation of these emotions.
- You may have a lack of self-concern.
- You may experience grief spasms, acute upsurges of grief that occur suddenly with no warning.
- You will have trouble thinking (memory, organization and intellectual processing) and making decisions.
- You may feel like you are going crazy.
- You may be obsessed with the death and preoccupied with the deceased.
- You may begin a search for meaning and may question your own religion and/or philosophy of life.
- You may find yourself acting socially in ways that are different from before.
- You may find yourself having a number of physical reactions.
- You may find that there are certain date, events, and stimuli that bring upsurges in grief.
- Society will have unrealistic expectations about your mourning and my respond inappropriately to you.
- Certain experiences later in life may resurrect intense grief for you temporarily.
